layers and moments.

There are some moments and memories that you cannot ever forget, even if you want to. Memories like the last thing you saw before you got in that car accident, or the exact wording of the last text he sent you before you broke up. Memories like exactly what shirt you were wearing when you found out that you got the job of your dreams, or the taste of the best meal you've ever shared with your friends before moving across country.

I've written before about what those memories do to your core. For me, and for you, they're the tiny layers that build up in our hearts and our minds that make us who we are. They shape our beliefs and they tell us in the future what's going to hurt us or which situations to take risks on. Each layer is significant and unique and holds every line of your story up until this point.

A few months ago, our sweet black lab Shadow passed. It was unexpected, but he was older and as much as no one wanted to admit it, his time was nearing all too soon. One night, he walked up the stairs and he laid at my feet and wanted so desperately to be loved. It's pretty common knowledge that when an animal knows it's going to die, it finds a quiet, lonely place and goes in peace. But not our Shadow, he wanted to be where he felt most loved, where he knew he wouldn't be alone. As he laid there panting heavier and heavier, our whole family gathered around and said our sweet goodbyes. As my brother laid chest to chest with him and thanked him for the years of companionship, we all began to sink into the reality that we were about to lose something else this year. And as he breathed his last breath just a few moments later, I stood there and let myself get swept up in this surreal moment.

Here we were at 2:30 AM, my parents my brother and myself, weeping over the loss of our family pet. But we weren't just weeping for that moment, we were weeping for moments of the past that hadn't yet been wept for; for us and for our heartbreak of the past year. Weeping over the trials and hardships we've encountered. Over lost jobs, failed relationships, financial difficulties... we were weeping because the moment finally allowed the barriers to go down and emotions to be exposed. In that moment, it felt okay to be sad. Right then, we didn't have to soldier on and put up a good face, we were allowed to mourn for the difficulties that we've faced, for the dreams that failed and for the mistakes we made and for our Shadow that had brought us so much joy but was now gone for good.

And as I breathed in that moment, as I took a picture of it in my mind that I won't ever be able to forget, I realized that this tiny layer in me was now complete. That moment taught me about brokenness, and it showed me why it's okay to be sad. And then the next morning when I woke up, that layer reminded me that life goes on, that your heart will heal if you let it and that even in our saddest moments there's still One that holds you close and whispers a peace that surpasses understanding.

We need those moments. The sad ones and the happy ones. You have to let yourself feel when those moments come around. Because if you deny yourself that, you're denying yourself growth, and that's the most detrimental layer you could build into your story.