death and all his friends.

death isn't something you're ready for, but it is something you should expect.

death isn't something you plan for or something that you naturally know how to deal with.

death is the dark side of love that we all know we'll eventually have to face.

but death at my age isn't to be expected.

death at my age is always a surprise.

death at my age is inexplicably tragic and painful,

and death at my age should never be prepared for.

i've played the last 24 hours over and over in my mind. maybe i'll never understand why you were given more than you could handle, or why you chose tragedy over triumph. maybe i'll never find the joy that left you and maybe instead i'll choose to remember when we were 15 and doing all that we could to distract mrs. pence from teaching by writing 48 minutes of prayer requests in homeroom. maybe i'll never understand why you lost sight of the love of those around you and maybe i'll never understand the dark and twisty pain you felt you couldn't escape.

today, the battle feels real. today, i'm reminded that there is someone that comes to rob us of our joy and peace. but today, my friend, i'm remembering your joy for you. today, i'm remembering your huge heart full of kindness, your laughter and the way that you loved unconditionally. today, amidst my tears, i'm remembering the way you always had a smile on your face and a story in your eyes.

today, i'm remembering you.

sigh no more, john. sigh no more.

may you finally see love as it was made to be.