Time for something new.

I'll never forget the first time that my mom drove us to the new church. I was 7 years old and I couldn't be more excited about a newer and bigger church. For some reason, it was the coolest thing in the world. It had those truly ugly walls with the weird salmon and teale colored stripes going along them, but I didn't mind. The sanctuary was huge and everyone was so welcoming. I just remember thinking, "this is MY new church!".

That church became the epicenter of my childhood and then straight into my teenage life. I can't remember how many countless hours were spent in that building. Running around, making the best of friends, causing a ruckus, dancing to Ancient of Days on Easter....it was my home and it was so much a part of who I was. That church became my family. 

I moved to Los Angeles for school and really struggled to find a church. I couldn't find anything that was like my church. Nothing was as good, nothing held as many memories, nothing had my friends and family there. And when I would come home and go to my church, everything felt so complete and so whole. I always left feeling renewed and restored after being in my church. 

I remember the day that everything changed. I remember the countless hours of uncontrollable sobbing as I sat and cried to God to end this. The very people that I built my church around had left. My family, my friends and the ones that I knew would always be there, were no longer there. I remember my mom on the phone as she begged me to stop crying, but I couldn't. The tears wouldn't stop. The pain was too much and I just didn't understand. I'd lost my church. 

I barely went home after that. I hated home. I hated that my church wasn't the same anymore and I quickly began to resent that building. The same building that held some of my closest memories, was now something that only reminded me of what no longer was, and would never be again. Every holiday, birthday and event reminded me that nothing was ever going to be the same. 

For the past year and a half, I went and faked a smile every Sunday. I went through the motions and got out as quickly as I could. I couldn't get past the bitterness that I felt and the place in my heart that was so filled with love was quickly turning into deep hatred. I resented that church for what it did to me and my family and the immense amount of pain that my heart still ached from. 

But last Sunday something changed. I went to church with the exact same mindset. I don't want to be here, I don't know these people, this isn't the same anymore, I want to go home. But I think that God had had enough of my horrible attitude and was ready for me to listen. He reminded me that this wasn't my church, it was His church and I spent my whole life making it about me and not about Him and that the pain that I still felt was only there because I was allowing it to control me. And I sat there with tears in my eyes and lifted my hands and truly thanked God for bringing us here. I thanked him for the pain, the trials and the hardships, because without them I wouldn't be exactly where I was right then. We as a church would not be sitting in the presence of God the way that we were at that moment, and I would still be making this about myself and not about Him. I realized that God does nothing by coincidence and that the pain of the past couple years was not in vain. I thanked God for the memories that I had there and I asked Him to usher me into a new season, with new relationships and new family from the Church. And for the first time, I truly entered into his presence with an abandoned heart and a readiness to move forward. 

So I have found a special place in my heart for the memories from my past and I'll tuck them away and remember them in love instead of bitterness, but I think I'm finally ready for something new.