This is My Story.

I'm twenty-two. I am attracted to all things colorful, anything involving someone else and any type of cupcake. I laugh too much, I cry too little and I can't ever figure out the right equation of loving too little vs. loving too much. I hate my hips, I fall in and out of love with my hair almost daily and I always feel better about myself when my nails are painted some shade of pink. My love language is words and I sincerely take everything that is said to heart. I crumble under the pressure of feeling like I'm letting people down, but I soar under the pressure of people thinking that I'm going to fail. I'll smile even if I don't mean it and I'll always look you in the eyes. I want to change the world, but today I just feel like a failure.

And that's right where I am right now.

In my new favorite book, A Million Miles in A Thousand Years, Donald Miller shares his journey of finding his Story; of figuring out how he can make his life exciting and so much more than ordinary. I've been so deeply lost in the idea of creating my own story since I finished the book, that I look for every possible opportunity to turn into something more than it ordinarily would be. I've been trying to look at everything from the sunsets to the snow as something with deeper meaning.

One of my favorite things that he says is this,

"If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you."

A main part of my Story, up to this point, is filled a lot with disappointment and regret. It's filled with unkept promises, letdown's and missed connections. It feels, often times, like I'm running full speed into a brick wall. Or it feels like when you're playing Mario Kart and you accidentally fall off the course and have to start over again. Life feels like I am constantly repeating levels and I can't figure out where my mistakes are.

Today, I laughed too little and cried too much. Today, I broke down and cried and asked my Dad to believe in my Story even when I can't, because today I feel like I can't go on in a Story where I feel so useless. Today, my Story feels talentless, boring and hopeless.

I just want my Story to be something that I'm proud of. So today, even if I don't feel like it, I'm holding on to the belief that the beauty of God's story means that I matter, even if I feel like I don't. Today, I'm starting a new Story and today I will learn to trust that God is fighting for my Story even when I feel alone. The characters in this Story will be people that want the best for me and people that encourage me to keep writing my Story even when I want to give up. I'll find immense amounts of joy in the sunsets and the snow and this Story will be marked by colors, creativity, adventure and trustworthy uncertainty. I'm choosing to make this a Story that's worth retelling.

I'm changing my Story. You too?

"Life has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath. We get one story, you and I."